![]() Even your definition of justice has been shrunk. You have shrunk your entire life down to this man. Though this man left you a decade ago, you still value him and his opinion of you more than anything else. Though this man left you a decade ago, you are still clinging on to the old stories you told yourself when you got married: that your fate is inextricably tied with his that your happiness depends on him that he and he alone gets to decide if you are worthy and lovable. You would be able to move forward without basing your self-worth on his actions, and enjoy a life living up to your own values.īut you are choosing not to forgive your ex in a way that doesn’t free you from him, but rather keeps your entire sense of self-worth and justice completely and utterly dependent on him. For you, this could look like realising that commitment, honesty and fidelity are integral values to you, making you utterly incompatible with someone who doesn’t value them equally – meaning that your ex was never the man for you, nor are his actions any indication of your worth. You can choose not to forgive someone because you believe what they did to you was unforgiveable, and by acknowledging that you are holding onto your own sense of boundaries and self-respect – allowing you to move on with your life. I say this because I believe there can be a difference in the reason we choose not to forgive someone, and the impact it can have on us. I don’t say that you need to move past these feelings because I buy into the oft-touted, often infuriatingly dismissive idea that forgiveness is always necessary, or that feeling any anger towards people who have harmed you is an indictment of your character, rather than theirs. That is an extremely long time for these feelings to take up so much space in your life, and it is clear they have become damaging. What is concerning here is that your feelings of pain and anger and jealousy are still so all-consuming after ten years. I completely empathise with your feelings – and I also agree that you need to find a way to move past this. It’s also natural for some feelings of pain and even jealousy to be evoked when you have to see your Happy Ever After fantasy now being played out with someone else. ![]() It is perfectly natural that this experience would leave you with anger and hurt. It’s clear that family and commitment are hugely important to you, and when you got married and had a child with this man, it felt like your Happy Ever After fantasy was happening – and then was suddenly wrenched away when he betrayed you and left. I feel your anger and pain so clearly in your letter, and I’m sorry that you went through such a horrible, life-changing experience. I did absolutely nothing wrong and yet I’m the one who’s suffering. It’s so unfair that he treated me so badly and yet he treats his new wife so well. He made a commitment to me when I got pregnant with our first but then just one day decided we weren’t good enough for him anymore. He’s happy and I’m so angry, all the time. He abandoned our whole family and now it just seems like there’s no justice in the world.
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